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Myths, Part 3 Print E-mail


Myth #4: They're all losersor I am

Many myths are based on a negative view of life and love, often because the people who promote them had negative experiences themselves. Difficult family or relationship experiences can affect your view of relationships and the possibility of being loved.

This is the very reason why we stress:

finding quality people to date
looking in appropriate places
taking your time before getting emotionally involved
interviewing new dates, and paying attention to the information you get
using your friends' network for support
checking up on the people you meet

Anyone can meet a person with problemsthey don't wear warning signs so it's not your fault if you meet someone who doesn't have his or her act together. However, if you stick around someone who obviously can't function well enough to be a good partner, you can fix that problem by learning to let go of bad apples. Difficult people aren't usually a problem if you keep them at a distance. They're a giant problem if you let them into your life.

Look for people, not perfection. You can be led astray if you are too concerned about categories such as wealth, education, good family, impressive career, fancy car, and designer clothes. To find a quality person with whom to share your life, you must look beyond those surface clues and deeper into the person.

Con artists of all types know very well how to exploit appearances to lure you in and take advantage of you.

Scaring yourself about molesters, rapists, alcoholics, narcissists, and other kinds of dangerous types is just another needless worry. Each person you meet presents an opportunity for you to find out who he or she is, and there are more good people than bad people out there. With a little know-how, and proper caution, it's pretty easy to recognize the difference.

Celebrate individuality. To get to know a new person, and be known, takes a little time, because each of us is unique. We can't just say "Oh, he's a Category A, or a Category B," because people don't fit into neat, tidy classifications. You can observe someone and think "Oh, she has good manners, she must be educated," and then find out she has a problem with rage or alcohol. On the other hand, some perfect gems come in rough clothing.

Each person you meet along the dating path has unique personality traits, desirable and undesirable. Giving yourself the time to get to know them enables you to sort them out.

Don't blame a new friend for old miseries. No matter how bad your history has been, you don't have to re-create it. You can learn to interact in different ways, and to correct problems that come up. You may need to work with a counselor to make the necessary changes, just as you might work with a personal trainer to correct and improve your workouts, or a nutritionist to evaluate and correct your diet.

If your background was dysfunctional and toxic, or your previous partners have been abusive or addictive, you may need to be suspicious of your first choices. That is, because of your early experience, you may be "conditioned" to be attracted to a particular character flaw. The people you automatically are drawn to, and feel comfortable with initially, may be exactly the people you should stay away from. If you know this about yourself, and can resist the pull of the dysfunction, you can meet other, better people to date. If you have trouble changing this focus, counseling can help.

If you're beating up on yourself, it's probably because you're feeling:

Vulnerable
Like a loser
Afraid of rejection
Awkward, unacceptable

If so, here's a simple truth to keep in mind: You are not alone! Everyone feels equally insecure about dating. Some hide it better than others, some have been dating longer and have become less nervous, but everyone has been through it.

If you present a friendly, pleasant demeanor and you are open to getting to know people, they will be relieved and pleased. Here is the perfect place to practice the Golden Ruletreat others exactly as you would like to be treated, and you will have plenty of good responses.

Each new situation will produce the above list of qualms, but keep in mind you're there to make friends. Find the safest-looking person in the room, and chat with them. You'll feel better, and then you can move on to greeting others. After a few minutes of pleasant conversation with new acquaintances, you will relax, and your anxieties will be forgotten.


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