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Tips on Dating Again, Part 1 Print E-mail


If we were to believe the movies, dating after a divorce is either a cinchthe person of your dreams walks in, you're instantly intrigued, you flirt expertly while the steam and the background music rise, and you're off to a beautiful, romantic, sexy beginningor a disaster.

Real-life dating actually falls in the enormous middle ground between these two fantasies. It's not a snap, it takes some work, but, with some inside information, it can be done right, and it can lead to lots of fun times and dating success. What makes the difference is understanding what the potential problems of dating are, and knowing the skills to overcome those problems when they arise.

The quibbles and the waffles

If you were a movie character, you'd be sure of yourself, clear on what you want, beautifully turned out, and ready to go. But, you're youa human being, with some confusion, some doubts, and some insecurity, like all the rest of us.

Do research before you go out looking for places to meet people, just as you would in shopping for a new computer or appliance. Ask your friends for recommendations, call for information, and look in local newspapers for resources, so you know where you want to go, the hours, the open days, what to wear, and what's likely to happen before you waste time acting on wrong assumptions.

When you sincerely prepare to date, and think about what to do first, you're probably going to have some quibblesthings you give yourself a hard time aboutand some wafflesthings you can't decide about. The most common fall into four categories:

1. I'm not ready

These are all the reasons you cook up about not being ready to begin dating:

I'm not emotionally healed from my last divorce.
I haven't a thing to wear!
I don't know how to: talk, flirt, behave, stay safe.
I have to lose some weight, grow some hair, get a nose job, get my Ph.D....
I don't have any time.

All of these quibbles are just excuses for not getting started, not good, solid reasons. If you are still hurting from your last divorce, you may want to attend therapy, but you can still go out and begin meeting new people. Dating is not an instant process, and going through the process can be part of your healing process.

While looking your best is indeed an important part of dating, excuses about clothing, weight, hair, and other aspects of your appearance are not a reason to postpone dating. Actually, getting your appearance together is one of the first steps toward dating. If you are insecure about dating behavior, flirting, and so on, learning how to do that, too, is an excellent beginning toward dating.

If your schedule is so busy that you cannot manage an evening a week, or some weekend time during which to date, you have some organizing to do in your life to be prepared to have a dating relationship. Meeting new people and dating can be integrated into things you already do, and you can organize your life so you'll have enough spare time.

2. No one will like me

This quibble is related to concerns you may have about your appearance, but it goes much deeper. If you find that what's stopping you from dating is your own insecurities and lack of self-worthfeeling so bad about yourself that you can't imagine anyone else would like yougetting help is vital. Group or individual therapy, a twelve-step program, or self-esteem classes will help you confront and overcome your inner struggle with yourself.

All of these quibbles indicate aspects of dating for which you feel unprepared, and by paying attention to your insecurities, you can discover what information and skills you need. Preparing by learning these things is the beginning of your dating process.


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