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Stages of Ineffective Single Parenting Blaming and Retreating Print E-mail


Blaming

Although the most common and obvious scapegoat for blame is the ex-partner, any source of blame will do. Obviously, the household is not running smoothly or well. So whose fault is that?

The blaming single parent accuses the ex-partner of "ruining the kids" or the children themselves of being "hopelessly spoiled." Blaming becomes yet another way to complain, as the ineffective parent seeks pity and sympathy in response to an evident lack of control.

This strategy fools no one, except perhaps the blaming parent.

Retreating

Ineffective single parenting involves some form or degree of retreat. This is why crowded restaurants are often the scene of major theatrical displays by unruly children. Young children wail at high volume for long periods of time, for no reason other than that they are displeased.
Older children roam the aisles of the restaurant or theater, talking loudly or making noise. While everyone else is annoyed or upset, Dad seems oblivious. This is because the ineffective single parent, exhausted from nagging, yelling, making threats, and blaming others, has decided to withdraw and give up.

In essence, this father has decided not to parent anymore. Although the consequences will be miserable, especially for everyone else nearby, the father has decided it's easier to do nothing (after all, yelling didn't work) than it is to learn how to gain effective, constructive, healthy control of a growing child.

Effective discipline is a lot of work. It's an investment of time and energy that seems never-ending. In many cases, the early results are discouraging. We should not be surprised when our children learn by ignoring the boundaries, breaking the rules, and receiving the consequences. After all, we adults tend to learn in the same wayby repetition. As you keep on repeating good practices and healthy approaches to parenting, you will move in positive directions, one step at a time. Parenting is a journey, not an arrival. Journey wisely.


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