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Tips on Dating Again, Part 2 Print E-mail


3. It's going to be a disaster right from the start

It's easy to frighten yourself with negative predictions and "what ifs"your anxieties projected into the future. Dating is an unknown, and bound to produce some anxiousness, but you're not helping yourself by dwelling on what could go wrong and scaring yourself even more. Instead, focus on what you will do if any of your scary future scenarios come true. For example, suppose your dire prediction is "I'm going to go to this party, no one will talk to me, and I'll be miserable all night." Neutralize the fear by figuring out what to do if the worst happens. "If no one talks to me, I'll ask the hostess to introduce me to someone, or ask if I can help pour drinks, to keep myself busy."

If you discourage yourself before you begin, you can make dating truly difficult, even if the problems never happen. If you know you can handle whatever comes up, you can have fun even when you don't meet the love of your life on a particular occasion.

If you've gone through a divorce, it's common to shy away from new relationships for fear that what hurt you once is bound to happen again.

It's not surprising, if you were hurt before, that you would be wary of going through it all over again, but it's also not necessary to give in to this fear. In the case of broken relationships, understanding what went wrong in the first place will go a long way toward assuaging your fears.

For example, if you were shocked and surprised by a partner who lied, cheated, or who just announced one day that the relationship was over, perhaps you need to learn more about creating open communication and choosing people who will be honest with you. When you know you can do something to reduce the odds of a previous problem recurring, you will feel more secure.

Another variant on the "disaster" theme is telling yourself that love doesn't work for anyone at anytime. The only good thing about this attitude is that you won't feel bad if it doesn't work for you because it doesn't work, period. But the whole idea is just plain wrongthere are lots of happy couples out there, and you can be part of one too. But negative attitudes like this one just increase the odds that you'll be miserable and even more nervous, and therefore, make mistakes.

Look around you. We live in a time of relationship turmoil, when every couple seems to break up almost before they get startedbut, if you look, you'll find that there are lots of couples who are doing fine. They seem happy. Look for these success stories and focus on them, and you'll feel more encouraged and motivated to pursue dating. Love can work, if you choose the right partner and you know the skills required to make it work. And when it does, it's great!

Even if you don't find the love of your life right away, successful dating is an enjoyable way to fill your time while you're looking. It certainly beats sitting at home and eating pizza for one while watching old Seinfeld re-runs. While you may, indeed, be a person who prefers solitude and likes living alone, you still need social contacts and friendsand that's what dating is all about.

Savvy dating is making good connections with desirable peopleand all of us can use as much of that as we can get. You can learn to balance your social life with your privacy, so you get enough of each one.

4. I can't do this to the kids, the cat, my roommate, my ex, myself

This may be the ultimate in dating quibbles. There is bound to be someone in your life you can use to hold yourself back. But what this quibble really assumes is that if you go out and meet new people, the people already in your life will suffer. But how would meeting new people be a problem for your kids, your cat, your roommate, your ex, or anyone already in your life? There is no limit to the number of people you can care for in your life, unless you insist on setting that limit. Repeat after me: "I am not interested in replacing anyone already in my life; I do not intend to neglect them or to ignore them. I am simply looking for some new people with whom I can have fun." Keeping that thought firmly planted in your mind will ensure that you don't cause problems in the relationships you already have.


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